When “I Love You” Starts Feeling Scary

​The Last Two Years


The last two years have probably been some of the hardest years of my life. Not because life completely fell apart, but because I had to learn how to keep living while carrying heartbreak, disappointment, grief, and fear all at the same time. There is something deeply painful about giving people your full trust, your softness, your honesty, and then having to rebuild yourself afterward when things break.


Walking away from what hurts you is not for the weak. People talk about leaving like it’s empowering and freeing, but they don’t always talk about the darkness that follows. The lonely nights. The second guessing. The grief that comes in waves. The moments where your nervous system no longer knows what safety feels like around another human being.


I think one of the hardest things for me has been learning how to feel safe with people again. Not just romantic relationships, but people in general. When trust gets broken deeply enough, your body remembers. Your mind remembers. You start protecting yourself before anyone even gets close enough to hurt you. I’ve noticed that about myself lately. I run when someone starts getting too close. I pull away before attachment forms too deeply. Somewhere inside me is still trying to avoid feeling that kind of pain again.


I’ve only had two serious relationships in my life, and I’ve only truly been deeply in love three times. Love has never been casual for me. I don’t know how to love halfway. When I love someone, I see them fully. I care deeply. I stay through hard moments. I hold space for their humanity, their wounds, their growth, and their dreams. So when things end, it affects me deeply too.


The last time I told someone “I love you,” they told me they needed to push pause on the relationship. I don’t think people realize how much moments like that can stay inside someone. It broke something in me for a while. It made me question my worth. Am I too much? Am I hard to love? Will love always leave the moment I become emotionally real with someone?


But even through all of that, I still believe in love. Maybe differently than I used to, but I still believe in it.


I think real love is much quieter than people make it out to be. It’s not constant butterflies or fantasy. It’s not perfection. Love is what remains after the excitement settles and reality shows up. Love is looking at someone and thinking, “I could witness the hardest parts of life with you and still choose you.” Love is consistency. Patience. Safety. Presence. It’s found in small moments most people overlook.


Sometimes love looks like folding the laundry of the person you care about and finding peace in caring for them. Sometimes it’s sitting beside someone during their worst days and not trying to fix them. Sometimes it’s simply being gentle with another person’s heart because you know what it feels like to carry pain.


I’m still healing. Still learning how to trust both myself and others again. But I also know healing is not becoming hardened. It’s learning discernment without losing softness. It’s creating boundaries without closing your heart completely. It’s allowing yourself to slowly believe that safe love still exists.


And maybe one day, saying “I love you” won’t feel so scary again.


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